Humiliation can be traumatic particularly if the humiliation has come at the hands of a primary care giver, either a mother or father.
I can recall a number of situations in my childhood where I felt humiliated by both my parents-I say that on reflection-and I will say, it wasn’t intended. Of course my parents weren’t to know how I would receive the experience and the level of my sensitivity to that experience.
From Neurosis to Psychosis, in relation to my mental state.
This leaf also reminded me of a Cocoon/Chrysalis and the transition from a Caterpillar into a Moth or Butterfly.
As Humans we also transition frequently, some transitions are obvious, Childhood to Adulthood and some perhaps not so, from relationship to relationship or job to job. Other transitions are far more subtle, at the end of this narrative I won’t be the same person that started it.
Disconnection from reality both in my body and with the world and people around me.
The action of bringing someone or something under domination or control.
I remember, All those moments
Lost in wonder, That we'll never
Find again, Though the world
Is my oyster, It's only a shell
Full of memories, Now, only sorrow
No tomorrow, There's no today for us
Nothing is there, For us to share
But yesterday
Words taken from, ‘A Song For Europe’ by Roxy Music
Impermanence.
The absence of an abiding self.
I've been waiting here for so long
And all this time that passed me by
It doesn't seem to matter now
You stand there with your fixed expression
Casting doubt on all I have to say
Why don't you touch me, touch me
Words taken from, Musical Box by Genesis (when they were a proper band with Peter Gabriel)
The state of having, owning, or controlling something or someone?
In this instance ‘The Self’
It’s interesting when leaves change colour either because of the season or having fallen from the tree. The process almost looks as though another entity is taking over.
A withdrawing or separation of a person or a person's affections from an object or position of former attachment : estrangement alienation … from the values of one's society and family.
Red is deep anger that never comes out
Red is believing, and then having doubt.
Red reeks of revenge, of suffering and hate.
Red is being thirsty and having to wait.
It mocks you silently with a voice full of hate,
Red is running through desert and sun,
It’s needing a friend, but having none.
Red is the heart that’s been broken in two,
It’s hearing those lies, and wanting what’s true.
Starr Williams
I’ve never belonged, never fitted in, I’ve spent a long time trying to find my true identity but of course it doesn’t exist.
I am made of many parts and they all contribute to the person I am but for a long time those parts felt separate / fragmented as though they were different selves in the same body, not integrated.
Today, I’m aware that those different selves all belong to me and are not separate.
integrated? Well, not quite but they’re getting there.
And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?”
Line from the song, Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads
People who experience dissociation have found themselves in strange places and have no idea how they got there.
Is a song title by PJ Harvey, though the lyrics don’t reflect my own thinking in relation to this image.
I’m reminded of Buddhist philosophy of Spiritual Death and Spiritual Rebirth.
The old self needing to die before the new self can emerge.
Isolation and alienation from people and society often come with a deeply felt feeling that I’m vanishing/disappearing from view/visibility?
Do I actually exist, very often, I think not.
A very painful experience.
“Is a type of marking that singles out a person as less desirable than others.”
The interesting thing about stigma is not so much how I perceive others to stigmatise me but how much I stigmatise and neglect myself.
Most likely because of the shame I feel about having diagnoses that sit within Mental Health and that somehow I’m to blame.
When clearly it’s no fault of my own!
The ‘night sea journey’ is the journey into parts of ourselves that are split off, disavowed, unknown, unwanted, cast out and exiled to the various subterranean worlds of consciousness. The goal of this journey is to reunite us with ourselves. Such a homecoming can be surprisingly painful, even brutal. In order to undertake it, we must agree to exile nothing.
Stephen Cope